Commitment

What does it mean to commit?

I have certainly had some hard lessons in commitment. Not just in the realm of marriage and relationships, but as a mother, as a worker, a singer, even to myself as a person. I've sorted out two levels of commitment. One requires a return commitment - someone, or even something, on the other side forming a sort of agreement. I will be your friend if you meet me half way. I will sing in this band if y'all practice. I will do this work if I get the recognition I deserve. I will try to make this relationship work if I know you are committed.

The second kind of commitment, one I'm not so hot at, is I think more one-directional. One made without regard for what you may or may not get in return from someone else. I do this job because it gives me joy, because it is noble, because... I work at my singing because I love it. I love my son unconditionally. (This one I'm pretty good at.) I give my heart and soul in my relationship because I love him, because I care. ...The "egoless" commitment. The one that as contrary as it seems on the surface, actually lends itself to less pain and more happiness.

It is so easy to slip inside oneself when wounded. To be overwhelmed to the point of losing sight for the well being of others. I mean, it's not like I'm being chased by a hungry tiger, or sued for a gazillion dollars. There is nothing in everyday life that should wound me so terribly that I cannot genuinely care for others, even when I perceive they are hurting me. And yet, I find myself in that situation all to often. Wounded, insecure, scared, anxious, defensive. Depressed.

Last night I made a commitment without knowing what I would hear in return. I know there is still something alive in our love, telling me it is not over. Believe me, I know the feeling when it's dead. Nothing to resurrect. And I realized, our relationship has a soul. One that must be nurtured, and fed, and respected. A flood of memories came back reminding me of the suffering soul in our relationship. Loving notes, making music, dancing together...and thoughtfulness. It is a sad, sad thing to be so weary from a relationship you are desperate to feel good in.

And so, a new commitment. A new chance to change and love. To learn. To share. To let go...