Taking Stock

I must be one of those “live in the moment” people because I can’t remember what I did last year. Either that or I’m getting old and my memory is failing. There were some highlights, like a day at Marine World with our cousins and the annual trip to the state fair. I also slowly endured on the guitar and sucked at Christmas music a little less than last year. I joined a band who lets me bang on my guitar and sing a bit; I also did a super fun “punk/alternative” project that performed at work and gave me an excuse to buy cool boots and play with enjoyable musicians. I managed to get a group of fun ladies to go out dancing a couple times. Hosted my annual poker party where again most people couldn’t attend :( . Did an overindulgent crafting day with my friend Lisa. All in all I think I got out a little more into the world and enjoyed it.

But it was a also year of change with a difficult move to an apartment and a distancing step in my romantic relationship. Zachary’s schedule also changed and he now spends the weekends with his dad in San Francisco, an adjustment for both of us.

All in all it was a year of feelings. Change. Reflection. Pain. Joy. Pride. Fear. Courage. Spiritual floundering you might call it… This last week in particular, life was telling me that my pain is a signal from my soul, my subconscious. If you don’t deal with the problems in your life, the negative influences, even your own negative attitude, eventually your body will make you and start to shut down. I silently scoffed at this when first suggested. (I mean, I saw the x-rays. It’s not psychosomatic.) But since then I’ve literally had this message put to me over and over in various forms and now I believe: I will never be well if I don’t align myself with what’s right for me. With what makes me happy. The more I understand and accept my needs and desires, the more I can take actions that get me there, the more I can set limits on those things that move me away. Sure my back will heal, but something else will take its place. My mind and soul have ways of making their point.

Pain is a spiritual journey – one I plan to make.

So as I enter the new year I always pause and take stock. I think it’s inspired by projects put on hold for the holidays that start itching, and the influx of goodies and things from Christmas that makes me realize I have to clean up my crap. But it’s more than that. It’s the urge to purge – an attempt to simplify a chaotic and directionless life. And it’s not my life that’s out of control, but myself. When you say your life is out of control, it implies things are happening to you, but not by you, which is false 90% of the time. It’s all me – and a good thing too because I happen to have control over that.

What stress is causing me to cope in damaging ways? What fears prevent me from achieving my dreams, or even acknowledging what they are? What changes won’t I make and why? Why can’t I listen to my body, or stand up for myself? The answers are all part of the journey…

And I must also take stock of what a wonderful person my son is evolving into. His heart is so big. He makes me smile every day. And we’ve had some amazing bonding experiences since striking out on our own. He is truly the best part of my life and I am grateful.

So here’s to a new hope for the new year. It will be peppered with change, growth, confusion, pain and all of the spiritual rewards that follow. I know this to be true…I read it in the cards.