retuned

After the (unnecessary) baking and the (self-imposed) jewelry making and the packing (too many things) and the buying of stuff (I don't really need) I was set for a 3 hour drive to an annual (except for last year) retreat.

It's a twilight zone little trip where you know the people and the itinerary, the ingredients are nearly always the same, but we are humans and organic and you don't know what kind of person you will be when you leave. Sometimes the same. Or maybe you're the person who brings about the change for someone else, and you watch, listen, sooth, or even make it happen by accident. Last time someone cried in my arms for nearly an hour but I wasn't entirely sure how she got there.

I usually take more than I give. Others have argued with me on this. But I know the scales aren't balanced. I go to this retreat fully aware someone will pull out a can opener and crack the lid, leaving jagged edges. I have a short list of people that do this for me. It's their blessed and sometimes burdened role in my life, to ask and love and push just enough. Then things come out that I've been thinking but not said. And it's a lot. But I'm just engaged in the moment, conversing. Articulate but stretching into vulnerability. It's when I step away that the magnitude of my admission starts registering. The sharing made it real. The saying made it heavier. And it was just the surface. I know how deep the water is that my battered boat is trying to float on. Soon it's over my head. I'm under water. i'm facing a year (or in this case 2 year's) worth of an over-tightened gasket and it just blew. the jagged edges are cutting. this is the utterly broken moment i knew would come. but i'm not alone. someone that loves me, for reasons that i don't understand, willingly takes the force of the wave.

as i usually am, i was quite grateful for who fate paired me with, because i never know until i break. or maybe i unconsciously seek this person out because it's buried in my psyche. maybe it's random, like a multi-pronged fork in the road and each choice will lead to a different me when it's all done. i don't know. but it was what i needed. who i needed. it always is.

This retreat is an island. A harbor. A protected intersection of space and time and convergence. A process that systematically removes each toxic layer until I'm faced with what remains.

It's a place of care, and meaning, and emotional listening. And healing through food and music. And the joy of serving and unconditional love. Whether you believe you deserve it or not. Especially if you don't. This is why I go. Because I need these things. And I must try to do these things for others. Because I am enough even when I'm broken. I think...

Something in me has changed. I don't know what that means. Or what will manifest. But like an instrument with a string out of tune creating dissonance, something aligned and there was harmony. I want to keep playing that chord. Keep it clear and tuned to my true self should I ever find her. See what song it fits into. The breakdown and the love that followed laid my path and I'm inspired to walk it, holding my chord in my heart, to see who I will be at the end of it. Because also in my heart is a jeweled truth that I will like that person better.